reflections
Posted by ennairam at 07:56 PM on November 22, 2009 in pieces of the cake.
i'm really supposed to be studying right now. the last of my midterm exams are tomorrow, but i'm just not in the mood...laziness, whatever you want to call it.
growing up is hard stuff. you get to understand more things but then you have to ask more questions. and then there's realizing fear.
i went with my parents to my godfather's wake today, he died yesterday at dawn, unexpectedly, as death so often is. he died peacefully in his sleep, he was 54 years old. i never really knew him, to be totally honest. his wife told us about what happened when he died. they had dinner together and prayed together that day (his wife was surprised that he had memorized the prayer for divine mercy i think, the one you pray at 3 o'clock in the afternoon). when they got home, he talked with their children on the phone, both were far from them, one in law school, the other working in the capital city, Manila. right after saying his I love you's to his wife and kids, he went to sleep. his wife had her turn with their kids on the phone and did not bother to disturb her already asleep husband, soon after, she went to bed. at about 4 in the morning, the wife suddenly awoke, she was not sure what woke her. she said she thought she heard something. she turned to her husband, and asked if it was he who made a sound. usually, when the wife wakes up, it was from her husband's snoring.. this time he wasn't snoring, she tried to wake him, but he had no reaction. she called their house help and some neighbors to help him carry her husband to a taxi so they could bring him to the hospital. on their way, she whispered in her husband's ear, she said she loved him and just talked to him. when they arrived, they tried to revive him but they failed.
i was touched by how (morbidly) beautiful it was. God had called him, and the pattern was simple, yet how powerful were the chain of events. not many people die that peacefully, or have even a chance to talk to their loved ones and express their love for them. i thought of how i looked forward to being independent and leaving the nest. it was a selfish desire, how naive was i of my good fortune that i can be with my parents. while others dreamt of having someone to call their father or mother, i dreamt of leaving mine behind.
i had seen others lose their parents before, though i do feel a certain level of empathy for them, it never really sunk this deep. i thank God, that i am closer to my parents than before. at least now we could talk without setting a schedule of "family conference" (yes..i know,'family conference', it's weird) maybe that's what's different this time. because i have made a stronger connection with my parents, i can now feel the strain on the bond at the thought of losing any of them.
my little nephew on the other hand seemed oblivious that his father (my brother) had gone to work abroad. maybe it's his innocence, he does not realize how hurting it is supposed to be. but i could also be because, he was used to not having his father around often. i don't really know, but i envy his innocence. he is free from any heavy thought or burden on how complicated the world is or how complicated he can make the world seem (as i think i am doing right now). his concern is to play, have fun, laugh and discover. i pray for his being to be touched by God. i hope he would not fear growing up as i do.
