In the bowels of my unsound mind, I have reached my equalibrium. Maybe it's the pure fatigue of not sleeping in 72 hours that has finally eaten away at my rage.Maybe it's the stifling heat that's choking both my body and soul, well what's left of my soul anyway. Or maybe it's just acceptance that fate loves to deal me shit hands in the game of life, and that the powers that be get their kicks from my own reality series broadcasted to their castles in the sky. Whatever.

And even though my body is begging for the rest it claims it deserves, my mind has reached a point of utter clarity, which was once so active in me, and now lies dormant in the murmurs of my emotion. There is no rest for the wicked after all. Evil begets evil, and it is divine kismet for me to suffer instant karma. Or is it?

Victims. Aren't we all?

I am my own victim to my pride. To my emotions. To my spite. And to my past. At once upon a time, I would've ended me out of self pity, but I am beyond that. Evil must not be released so easily into the dark of the night. It would be too easy to just run. Or end it all. And so, evil will stay. Within this husk of mine, I will house it, nurture it, and in due time enjoy its company.

So I'll be always around. In the dark corners of your room as you sleep. In the shadows of your past. In the hallowed halls of your future. Erasing me doesn't cause me to cease to exist. What doesn't kill me only fuels my fury. Dementia is only a part time hobby after all.

So what's the whole point?

Simple.

It's just a very big fuck you.


The very worse part of you
Is me.

Linkin Park - Lying from you.

I do not remember how I passed out. It could have been from the numbing throbbing that even now goes on in the right lobe of my dried up brain. Or maybe from the sheer burn out of mind body and soul. Oh wait, something else is feeding on my soul now. Never mind that then. Pain is fleeting. Dementia is everlasting.

How ironic to get a call looking for someone else. How ironic to have the question, "Is it because of me?" Whoopeefuckingdoo. Even trolling the forums nowdays fails to bring cheer to myself. Some people try to fake concern, but they really don't give much of a damn. Pretending is always worse you know. It damages trust. It cause doubts. It builds illusions.

The morning is gloomy enough. I have a real urge to jump and freefall into the unknown. Since I'm only 5 floors up, I'll hold that thought. That is, if my aching brain can hold anything anymore now. Lack of sleep damages braincells, so God knows how much I've lost this past week. I have doubts about what's there to salvage, as I find chunks of my memory missing. Again. Maybe selective memory can be a bonus after all.

Ah the weekend already.

Things to do, people to kill.

Toodles.

white room. sun room. shadow room. night transmitting cars across the room.
these things sent to dance across the room. eye watching from your bed.
returning to you.
rioja. rioja. reverend al green. deep blue murdoch holes. the water on stone.
the water on concrete. the water on sand. the water on fire. smoke.
the wind. the salt. the bride boat coming. dave in the water.
old man. einstein on top of his house. white deep blue
andalusia red yellow red yellow black car. red light.
far. black place. walls. blue chair. morocco. hamburg. paris.
the pieces of the puzzle are waiting. the water of the dark boats gliding.
the bride boats gone out to sea and dave is floating.
dave is floating. and old man einstein crazy in his attic. crazy


Underworld - Pearl's Girl.

The fact that I broke my biological clock is scary. Other than the fact that I passed out for 2 hours yesterday morning, I have yet to sleep properly. And believe me, I've tried. A visit to the pharmacy downstairs revealed a really new cute staff working there. It doesn't help though that the prescription I got didn't say Ponstan, or Penicillin, or Uptamol. It just said PAIN. Talk about stating the obvious.

All I need now actually are anti depressants to make my day. God knows I finally got myself off those some years back, but then I'm not depressed now am I. Aggro yes, depressed? Don't think so. And neither am I in denial. So WTF IS WRONG.

The rage in me still stirs strong. Tis only a matter of time before it boils over. It's not about you anymore. It's about me. It's about self discovery. Or maybe. It just needs to be unleashed.

Pray. For what you have. Tis better than taking things for granted.

What you waiting for, gazing
what you waiting, what you watching the skies for
what you waiting the holes are for water let the fall
let the clothes in let the clothes on
keep your clothes on
whoever you love,
whoever, you look happy
i feel dazed, i feel day's orange glow
with a pineapple head
walks in the sun
with a friend the mouse with a friend the shadow
war machine : war machine
wrap her arms : wrap her arms around me
war machine : war machine
come to wrap her arms, tight to wrap her body
she move fast : she move slow
she move down into the water : i remember her
i remember unnatural
i was leaving you
what you looking for babe
your voice, i'm not incredible
your voice is in desperation
i hear you
i hear bleeding

between her arms are tight :
wrapped around her body :
she move fast, she look down :
she won't look in my eyes :
i remember her now :
her unnatural surprise

Underworld - Dinosaur Adventure 3D


It's amazing the lyrics that dance anthems can contain. You really get the impression that they be trippin` when they do their compositions. Or maybe they are after all.

The cold grip from beyond is strong tonight. I suppose that to sleep would mean accepting their terms and conditions. So I awaken again instead. Into the dark cold night; into the unfeeling rays of the sun; into dusk's damp embrace.

Let me go. Let myself go. The heart must survive though. After everything I have put into rebuilding it. Large enough to hold an elephant even. A smile. I sense it. And maybe. I may feel again.

Maybe.

My mind is clogged again. I realise I don't sleep, I just pass out, and that's for very short spans too. I don't seem to remember what's a good night's sleep about anymore. Why do you insist on coming back anyway? Are you here to finish the job? To destroy the fragile compartment that's called my heart? Haven't you finished with the knife yet? Or are you gonna stab me from the front instead of the back for a change?

The drugs don't seem to be working anymore. Twas good that it kept me sedated last night, but I can feel the rage once again in my tired bones. Maybe last night's energy was already spent in the war, which was a blessing in a way. I'm starting to fear myself though. My thoughts. My capabilities. And what would happen when I finally choose not to hold myself down anymore.

Why can't you stop encroaching unto my sanctuary. Why do you flaunt with my limits so recklessly? I was misled into believing that you wanted to talk, but all I got was your wall of pride and haughtiness. You lie to me as you lie to yourself. So be it. The lines are being drawn anyway.

Unless you intend on burying the hatchet, don't come again.


I scream
I scream
I scream so much
you know what I mean this electric stream
and my tears in league with the
wires and energy and my machine
this is my beautiful dream
im hurting no one
hurting no one
hurting no one
hurting no one
I want to give you everything
I want to give you energy
I want to give a good thing
I want to give you everything

everythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverything

in one final scream of love who could climb
this high she looks beautiful like a child
I feel tears
and I want to scream
you know what I mean cause this is hurting no one
am, an erazor of love

hurt the necessary feeling

Underworld - Cowgirl.

The realisation of defeat has finally set in. I've been fighting myself all this while, raging against the forces that be, never having it dawn upon me just how futile everything is. And now when the dust has settled, all I see around are pieces of me broken again. But as I was told, you can't break something that's already broke.

All that I have strived to rebuild, I have demolished. All I have left is a broken me. Nothing more. No shards of hope. No slivers of happiness. Just me. In my rage I have destroyed all that's mattered; burned all my bridges; and then realised that the only way to survive the madness, was to destroy what I had so coveted, a heart; my heart. It's better gone anyway, what use is there of a heart if all it feels is jealousy, envy and hate.

What keeps me going now.. what keeps that vacuum in check is an ebil elephant that warms me during the dark cold nights that are to come. And for that I'm truly grateful.

I have been left for dead again in the cold cold wastelands of depression. Mayhaps it be through my fault that so called friends have deserted me in times of need. But those that are still around, I can't thank enough. My shell is shattered. It is time to rebuild myself again.

But this time, I'll be the one that would be flinging the knives.

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore

Seether - Broken.

I've been distracted. By my work. By football. By trivial matters. My ability to sleep is slowly being recovered, after much attempts to break myself physically. I figured that it's the only way to rest both my physically and mentally shattered self.

But my sole thread to reality has been keeping me on the brink of oblivion for this long. And in due time, I shalt be reeling myself back into the harsh realities that dictate civilization. First things first though. I need to rebuild my shell. But considering I've destroyed my molds, it's time to reinvent myself. Again. A more streetworthy version maybe. All in due time I presume. All in due time.

But for now, my body has finally succumbed to the torture it's been putting itself (and my mind) through.I clocked in a record 14 hours of sleep within the past 30 hours. And maybe in due time, my psyche will heal itself as well. As for now, Riddick beacons. Among other things.

And on a sidenote, I'm flattered. And impressed as well. That my moniker can reach such a level. That there's an inherent talent for music in any of my personas, be it under my control or not. Thank you. It does mean something after all.