Maybe it's been too long since I've done this. Yet I find myself here again. Broken. Empty. So full of it. And yet there's a little bit of me that's glad to be here. Because here I don't have to play pretend. Here I don't have to mask myself. Here I am myself. Which brings up another problem; who am I really?
Which persona must I don to achive happiness? The Magician? The Player? The Doomspeaker? The Peon? The Caregiver? I've lost too much of myself in the pursuit of leisure, and even more in the pursuit of amore. I guess it's time to let each piece of what's left of me to speak for themselves. Until one image finally prevails over the others. Which would probably be until hell freezes over.
And then it dawns upon me... Am I trying to find myself? Or am I running away from my true nature?

Once again all my emotional defense have been torn asunder. Waking up to another case of "He said she said" if not the ideal way to start the day, but that's the shit I'm taking at the moment. And it's useless reasoning with someone who doesn't want to listen. Story of my life. Why do I fall in love with the wrong people. But then the past is the past, and for some reason people cannot accept that.
So many accusations and speculations made over me, about me, that I'm really wanting to burn all my bridges. So called 'friends' have cost me alot in the past, and they still cost me my present and my future. I've been trying to put the swirling vortex of emotions in my head into writing, but the rage threatens to consume me more with each attempt.
I guess it's time to take another sabbatical. The ones that I've really cared for have pulled one over with a knife in the back. To poison me is one thing, but to poison the ones that matter to me really takes the cake. I honestly want to get out there and kill some, but the lack of avenues to run into leaves me standing in the middle of nowhere again. Alone.
I returned to blogging to find myself. I returned to blogging because of her. And her. One to forget. The other to embrace. And it was a matter of time before I revealed this secret garden to her. But I guess it's too late for that. And so it's just me alone here. With my skeletons in my backyard. And my shattered heart scattered all over the patio.

Wait. they don't love you like i love you.
Wait.
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps

My great escape from all the turmoils of the real world was inaccesible today. And that was when I realised that I may actually be addicted to the game. Anxiety threatened to overwhelm me as I repeatedly tried to log into my alter ego(s) in that oh so cute online world, and my methods of madness almost got the best of me, as I used every troubleshooting method available short of a full blown FORMAT/REINSTALL.
And then my common sense caught up with me.
Phonecalls to the other clanners confirmed that it wasn't me alone who had issues with the game, and I finally ended up calling Customer Service, only to have them tell me that it's server downtime X 2. Right.
I supposed the whole point is that I am probably obsessed with the game. It serves as a distraction from the pain and anguish my torn and tattered psyche has been throught this past month. The Big Guy works in mysterious ways indeed, so many fate has more in store for this rambling loony after all.
Well, at least until my next persona decides to fuck it all up again. Go us.